Active adults meet new people all the time. We tend to take them at face value, casually noticing looks, posture, or dress, making a quick assessment based on our experiences. What we don’t get is a sense of where they’ve been or what they’ve done with their lives. We tend to assume that what we see is the whole person, absent context, or history. It’s natural for a younger person to assume, “This guy is old. His thinking is out of date. He doesn’t get it.” In some situations, that may be true, but that isn’t the point.

Years ago, I used to visit a Dunkin store every morning. I remember there was a plump, older woman, simply dressed, greeting people as they walked through the door. For some reason I was a bit put off by her. But one day, I asked her what her job was. “I talk to people,” she said. She told me she made sure to do two things with everybody. She made eye contact, and she gave them a hug. I wondered why. She said, “Do you have any idea of how many people never get touched?” I relocated and never saw her again, but I never forgot her or the wisdom she imparted.  

We rarely ask people we meet about their lives. We see them in the present as they are now. We aren’t usually curious about them. We live in an age when, thanks to social media, like Linkedin and Facebook, it isn’t hard to get a detailed description of what a new acquaintance has been up to. Yet, how many of us take the time to do a bit of research? I believe most of us, in one way or another, have done interesting things in our lives. Someone has a private pilot’s license, maybe they served in the Peace Corps in Africa, or drove a taxi in Manhattan for ten years. In my experience, not many people realize that what they’ve done is, in fact, interesting.

When I was writing articles about local businesses for an online news organization, I wrote a story about a dry cleaner, focusing on how his business worked. I always tried to include a bit of personal information, but the owner offered very little. One day, I stopped at his establishment to pick up my dry cleaning. I mentioned that I was going to Las Vegas for a few days. He lit up and informed me that he loved Las Vegas. He told me he was a professional poker player who had competed in the World Series of Poker. He even won a tournament in Tunica, Mississippi. That news would have greatly enhanced my article. He started playing the game when he was twelve years old. It never occurred to him that what he had done was interesting.        

Not taking the time to move past our preconceived notions can be costly. When we meet someone new, say, a fellow volunteer committee member, or task force participant, we really have no meaningful way to judge how they might be helpful in achieving goals and objectives. Yet, we are likely to make assumptions about people we’ve just met that might limit, or even deprive us, of a good, productive working relationship.  Or just a satisfying conversation.

This is a two-way street, by the way. Older people make assumptions about the younger set too, again based on appearance, the sound of someone’s voice, even vocabulary which we may notice subconsciously. Consciously or subconsciously, it’s not unnatural to think, “What do they know? I’ve been around for a long time. They just got here.” In some cases, that’s true, but that isn’t the point either.

Recently, I was at a committee meeting to discuss our town’s Fourth of July celebration. Every year the town pays for inflatable bounce houses that children flock to. However, rentals aren’t cheap, and we usually wind up short of volunteers to control the chaos that comes with long lines and monitoring the time each group gets to bounce around until it’s the next group’s turn. Too, there is always the possibility that a child will be hurt. I suggested that, given the headaches associated with inflatables, maybe it’s time to eliminate them from the celebration. A young woman spoke up and pointed out that the event starts at 6:00 p.m. The fireworks display begins at 9:00 p.m. Parents with young children need good options to keep their kids entertained while we’re waiting for the fireworks. Trust me, that thought never occurred to me. Of course there might well be alternative ways to entertain the kids, but hearing and giving consideration to a different generation’s perspective just might pay off.The bottom line is perhaps we can all benefit by being a bit more curious about the people we meet. If we don’t take the time to see beyond the surface, we might miss an opportunity to make the most of a budding relationship. And if it’s a task we are working on, enjoy a better outcome too.