As we eagerly anticipate the start of the New Year, some of us will spend time reflecting on 2022, and make plans to do better in 2023. We’ll set goals, or make New Year’s resolutions. Lately, I’ve been thinking about years past, the vast majority of them good. Is there something to be gleaned from the past that might be useful as I look to the future? I’ve been blessed with some sage words of advice over the years. While perhaps not earth shattering, they have proven to be quite helpful at times. Here are a few that come to mind.

“Give up gracefully what you know you are going to give up anyway.” A former supervisor, let’s call him Tom, (because that’s his name) was fond of saying that in situations where we were fighting vainly to hold onto an area of responsibility or a prized strategy. A strategy we were sure would result in more success than an alternative being considered. I think it’s true that most of us can read the writing on the wall and accurately read the tea leaves. We just don’t like it, right?

Admitting defeat has a decidedly bitter aftertaste. But going down in flames, rarely looks or feels heroic, unless it is heroic, which isn’t that often. And the price for appearing uncooperative, out of step and not a team player, is always high. On the other hand, being a gentleman or a lady, showing grace, and acknowledging that the other side may just have a point, can pay dividends. After all, humans are built to reciprocate, given the opportunity. Believe it or not, at least one study has shown that a simple gesture, like giving a prospect a ballpoint pen, can improve your business. So, give up gracefully, when necessary, and come up with a better strategy for the next time. People will remember how you handled yourself in the past.  

In my early 30s, I worked for a tough taskmaster. He could be very direct and my still tender heart wasn’t always prepared for his criticism when my work wasn’t exactly up to his standards. He’d see the look on my face and say, “All adult learning is painful.” I didn’t have a clue what he meant by that, so finally, after he’d said it yet again, I asked him. “What exactly does that mean?”

He said, “Do you like being wrong, or admitting you’re wrong?”

“Of course not,” I replied.

He nodded and said, “Adults don’t like being corrected. They hate being wrong because it means they don’t know something they thought they knew. As an adult, admitting you’re wrong about something is the first step to learning something new.”

Truth is, when he said it, I didn’t want to admit he was right. It took a while for me to acknowledge the wisdom of his words. Adult learning is painful, but it is also worthwhile. Obviously, we aren’t talking about taking an accounting class, learning how to speak another language, or how to bake French pastry. No, it’s in everyday situations where we are more likely to experience the pain of adult learning.

Trying to understand, for example, why immigrants walk countless miles to reach America, determined to cross our border by any means available, can be hard to fathom if what we are witnessing contradicts closely held beliefs. Understand, that I’m not suggesting that what they are doing is okay. What I’m saying is they have good reasons for coming. Trying to understand those reasons might broaden our perspective.     

Closer to home, perhaps following a public debate on a local matter, it can be easy to assume that government is clueless. That we have the solution and we are flabbergasted that they can’t see it. Information about the issue, including opinion and facts, is often at our fingertips. Search engines or phone calls to government employees, are not difficult tasks. Yet, how often do we take the time, let alone the risk of discovering that our preferred solution might have some serious flaws? All adult learning can be painful, but the satisfaction that comes when we take the time to learn something new, is very sweet.

My last one is a favorite. In his novel, The Godfather, author, Mario Puzo, put these words into the mouth of his most famous character, Vito Corleone. “You cannot say no to people you love, not often. That’s the secret. And then when you do, it has to sound like a ‘yes.’ Or you have to make them say no. You have to take time and trouble.”

I love Puzo’s reasoning because he recognized the important role time plays in showing those you love how much they mean to you. And note, that while saying no should be rare, it isn’t never. Sometimes, whether it’s a spouse, a child, or even an employee, saying no is a sign not only of respect, but of love, especially when it is done with great forethought. Taking the time to help them see the wisdom of your logic and the flaw in their request, builds trust and mutual respect.

As you begin to prepare for the New Year, spend some time revisiting wisdom you’ve heard over the years, but perhaps haven’t thought about for a long time.  Maybe it will resurface ideas, long ago forgotten.  Maybe there are adventures, as yet untapped, waiting just for you in 2023.